Cats - house rules

Chairs and rugs:

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get onto an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug, shag is good.

Doors:

Do not allow closed doors in any room. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow and mosquito season.

Guests:

Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish-N-Glop on your breath, so much the better.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trousers, select fabric colors which contrast well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black wool clothing.
For the guest who claims: "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle.
When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey "But you allow me on the table when company isn't here..."
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

Work:

If one of your human is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering.
Following are the rules for hampering:
when supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, then picked up and consoled.
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches or split yarn. The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn. Ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.

Play:

It is very important. Get enough sleep in the day time, so you are fresh for playing catch-mouse or king-of-the-hill on top of their bed between 2 and 4 o'clock in the morning.

Training:

Begin people-training early. You will then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught - if you start early and are consistent.

by Gary Bogue